my brother, my heart...

This month is a difficult month for me, and is also one of our busiest months. As the calendar is filling up I need to stop and take a special moment out for my brother. It's been seven years now since I lost my only brother, my protector, my best friend through life~ at least before my husband came along. Jarrett and I went through so much together. I see K~girl and A~boy and how close they are, I pray they never lose each other. People often ask how my parents are doing. Now having K-girl and A-boy, I still can't understand my parent's pain. Yet still, I only know my loss. The bond my brother and I shared, the life we shared...Before I asked Christ into my heart, Jarrett was the only one I had to lean on. After all these years, day by day it has become easier, but if I let myself think about it the emotions are still so very raw.

The call came from my parents, it was around 2am, a Friday of May 23rd 2003. All I heard was "Jarrett was in an accident, we're going to the hospital." They didn't leave me any hint to how bad it was...my immediate thought was maybe it's just a broken arm or leg, but for some reason I kept repeating a prayer "Jesus bring him to You...bring him to You, Lord." As much as I tried stopping myself from uttering those words, I couldn't stop them from coming out. I even started getting mad at myself that if this really was that bad that my prayer could be sending my only brother to his death. When I finally arrived to the hospital I saw in my mom's face~ this was not something a simple cast could fix.

When I first saw him you would have no clue that nearly every bone in his face was shattered. It was too swollen to see. There was so much blood...For the first couple hours the doctors were telling us to say goodbye to him...We ended up getting 4 more days to say goodbye...Those four days we were on a constant roller coaster. Each new scan of his brain gave us hope and then demolished that hope with the next one. I never really felt like he was there those four days, if one can really feel such a thing. The time I felt I truly felt him near was when I was saying that prayer...maybe that's when God did take him. I won't know until I get there, but I do know this was HIS plan. I may never understand it, but I know each experience, circumstance, tragedy is a growing time God is granting me. As much as I wish for the kids to have their uncle~how they would love him so much, making them laugh with his silly voices. I know God needed him, too.

During my growing pains, I have learned so much...

1. There are so many people out there who hurt, Too.

2. Some people, no matter how close they are to a situation, still don't get it. They are still being reckless with other people's lives. Personal note:If your reckless with your life that's up to you, but not when it involves other people~ on the road. My philosophy is, more than ONE drink~ DON'T DRIVE, no matter what your tolerance is. Even if you're an upstanding citizen, you will be considered a criminal. We all have done it, even me, but when you know what it can do, why still do it~to a family, to a life, to children???

3. Sometimes no matter how much you pray for something, it may not work in God's plan.

4.The person lost is not in an item. So when CAB had two incidents with Jarrett's truck, I need to make sure CAB is okay, not the truck. And, Jarrett's snake Lucy is probably doing alright even though she's not with me:o)

5. My husband....what can I say....He goes through it all with me...and prays when I get lost in my pain. I cherish him so deeply...

6. God is my strength, when I let him hold me up. If I try doing it on my own, it never fails, anger and bitterness will always set in. Especially with lesson 2, 7 and maybe even 10.

7. DUI. Driving under the influence. The KS laws won't give someone more than 3years if they don't have Drugs AND Alcohol in their system. There's more to it I'm sure, but that's the only one that affected his case. I only pray those 3 years were enough growing time.

8. God's Love has many forms...it's not always the one we are looking for, but in the end it is the one we need.

9. Forgiveness, an extremely hard lesson, but working on it daily...When you think you have truly forgiven, check your heart again.

10. It's ok to cry... Even if it's past the typical 2week grieving time that society unconsciously gives us. The first two weeks to a year I was still in shock, there are No feelings.

11. Never judge, even though we all humanly judge everyone... Never judge whether some one's getting into Heaven! Even if at the last moment they ask for Jesus into their hearts. The Word says they will enter. Though, I choose to live my life each day trying to be thankful for the gift of the cross. WHEN I screw up I will try again until I get it right. I will hold out hope for EVERYONE until I get there, and then I will know. "...It is the Lord himself who will examine me and decide. So be careful not to jump to conclusions before the Lord returns as to whether or not someone is faithful. When the Lord comes, he will bring our deepest secrets to light and will reveal our private motives. And then God will give to everyone whatever praise is due." 1 Corinthians 4:4-5

12. Life is short and no matter how well one eats, exercises, or lives~ it's all about God's timing.

13. The worst question ever~ Do you have any brothers or sisters? I've learned to determine if they really want to know, or if they are just making small talk.

14. Stay by someones side to the end...no matter how hard it gets.

15. I miss my brother, so very much!!!